Tenth Meeting: Dealing With Negative Peer Pressure

Dealing With Negative Peer Pressure

Breaking bad habits and beating self defeating behavior.
Beating Up Your BodyGirls do it and so do guys… beat themselves up about real or perceived shortcomings in their body. Whether you really do have cause for concern or not doesn’t matter because this self-defeating behavior isn’t about what is wrong but rather it’s about how you choose to address the problem. If your body is a normal weight and you are in good health then obsessing about your body is just plain silly but if you do have real issues with your weight or health then focusing on improvement is understandable. What matters is HOW you look at the things that need to be dealt with. Do you see them as burdens to be overcome (bad) or do you look at them as challenges to meet (good)? For example, do you want to lose weight because it will add to the quality of your life (good) or so that you can fit in to the latest fashions (bad)? See the difference? If you see your body as the enemy or as something that holds you back in life you have an unhealthy body image and you need to change your way of thinking.
Having a less than perfect body makes you normal not a freak. Embrace the things about yourself that you love and don’t obsess over the things that could use some work. You’ll be a happier person if you do and happy people are better able to meet their goals and appreciate their success for the incredible accomplishment that it is.
Giving in to Peer PressurePeer pressure is nothing new and it’s not always a bad thing but if peer pressure dominates you and makes the majority of your decisions for you then you have a problem. The desire to conform is a normal part of growing up. Even so-called non-conformist groups like “punks”, “skaters”, “anarchists” and the like, have norms that are followed. Think about how these groups dress, the music they listen to and the philosophies of life that they adhere to and you can see that rejecting the mainstream and being non-conformist are not the same thing. Peer pressure is just as strong in these groups as in mainstream culture and when that pressure leads you to do dangerous, criminal or self-destructive things then it is just plain bad. Peer pressure feeds on insecurity and low self-confidence and the best way you can beat it is to like yourself. When you are comfortable with who you are and know your boundaries peer pressure doesn’t stand a chance and believe it or not, people will still like you even if you don’t follow the pack. So learn to make up your own mind and follow your inner voice. It may be hard at first to go against the grain but if you know that peer pressure is making you do something wrong you need to take a stand.
Comparing Yourself to OthersYou can’t be the best at everything, nor should you want to be. Overachievers are few and far between and the vast majority of us human beings do not excel at anything. Sure, everybody is good at something and lots of people are good at more than one thing but very few people ever rise to the status of the very best. This is not a bad thing; it is a normal thing. The sooner you see your successes in life as a series of personal bests rather than a contest with other people the better off you’ll be. You should only ever be in competition with yourself. Even in sports, academic challenges and the workplace you should never look at other people as your competition. While you may be competing against somebody in a given event the only win that matters is the one you rack up against yourself. Look at it this way; say you’re a runner and your best time ever is a 7-minute mile. You enter a mile long race and come in first place over 199 other people but your time is 9 minutes. If you measure yourself against other people you did great and beat out a whole bunch of other hopefuls. You’re the best, a winner! But are you really? Your best time ever is 2 minutes faster than the time it took you to win the race. Wouldn’t it be a greater success for you to have run against nobody else but have finished the mile in 6 minutes? If you think “no” then you need to change the way you measure your successes in life because using other people to determine your own worth is a very self defeating way of living. No matter how good you are, even if you are currently the best, somebody is bound to come along sooner or later who is better than you are. This is why world records are always being set and broken, and will continue to be set and broken as long as the records are kept. There will always be somebody who is nicer, smarter, cuter, faster, in short better, than you. This is a cruel fact of life. Don’t worry about being the best, worry about being the best you can be. It makes for so many more successes in life and you’ll be a happier person for it


Social Weapons & Psychological Warfare
The nonviolent things people use to hurt others and ways to combat the effects.

Not generally considered violence, these tactics can be extremely harmful. The emotional scars often last a lifetime. Why people seem to take pleasure in being cruel to others is mystifying - but it is never more prevalent than in high school. Maybe it is because everyone is in such tight social surroundings in high school, that there appears an increased need to display dominance in the form of popularity. Some people see only one way to achieve popularity - do something, say something, to make you seem better than others. If a really juicy piece of gossip comes to one person they may spread it around, not to be malicious, but as a fast track ticket to popularity. The fact that somebody gets hurt in the process may never cross their minds. Then there are the people who are mean just for meanness sake. These people are usually already popular, so what is their motive? Simple, to keep the crown. Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in your popularity that all you see is what life is like with out it - and in a fear response, you do whatever it takes, say what you have to, to keep somebody "below" you.
A girl I went to school with road her way to popularity on the back of another girl who had the misfortune of being obese and acne prone. She made this poor girl the butt of her jokes, spread false rumours and basically made the girl's high school life miserable. She encouraged her guy friends to tease the other girl and the group even went as far as to egg the unpopular girls house. It backfired. The guys got caught egging the house and Miss Thing ran off with the other girls. The guys all got busted and had to paint the house and do community service. In the fallout, the friends she had worked so hard to impress by teasing the other girl turned on the popular one saying she was a bad friend and always looking for trouble. Eventually she got back in with her friends, but was never quite so prima donna again. The other girl was never vindicated, socially speaking, she never even got an apology.
A few years ago my old high school was in the local news. An ex student* (after my days in those halls) sued the local school board saying that the school officials failed in their duty to protect him from harm. He was smaller than other students and early on in high school was labelled as gay, he was not gay but the name stuck. Throughout his years at the school he was harassed, called names, had things written on his locker, was followed home, was beaten up, was subject to death threats, was encouraged to kill himself and in one incident, had his shirt lit on fire. The school only suspended the people involved in the fire incident for 2 days. Despite the fact that this student went to the school officials every time asking for help, despite the fact that his parents became involved, the school never did more than that suspension. Why? While the fire was "outrageous" the rest was deemed normal teen behaviour and not thought to be overly harmful. Whatever! Anyone who has ever been the butt of somebody else's tirade knows how it hurts. Even now, the school board won't admit that they failed in any duty to protect. The message this gives to many teens - "baby, you're on your own!"
Not nice, this "war" to make friends and influence people. It seems that nobody really wins. But waiting for divine justice to step in can be infuriating for the targets of this emotional abuse. Bullying and name calling can get so bad that they can consume a person with rage, depression, suicidal thoughts, and even violent fantasies. Being an outcast sometimes leads people to do drastic things to themselves and/or others. Good kids can be driven bad by the merciless teasing of others. Schools sponsor awareness programs but in the end, they don't take words as seriously as actions. The way schools handle most social harassment is very much influenced by the old poem "sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you". The reality is that names do hurt you, rumours can be more persistent and debilitating than a black eye, and gossip bites. What is a teen to do? How do you take on the mean social tactics of a peer and win? It isn't easy, but it is possible.


RUMOURS & GOSSIP
Social Weapons & Psychological Warfare

This is by far the most common social weapon. Although some types of gossip may help a persons reputation, the overwhelming majority of the "shock talk" people indulge in is harmful and mean spirited. To add to the sinister nature of this tactic, it is most often done behind the target's back. The scenario is familiar to all of us - Person A spreads a rumour about Person B to everyone who may be interested and by the time it gets back to Person B, the damage is done. Person B then goes to confront Person A who plays innocent or apologizes half-heartedly. But the damage is already done! True or not some of the people who have heard the rumour will believe it, others will wonder what to believe, and those who know it isn't true will sit back and hope it all goes away quickly.
We've all heard rumours about somebody at our school. The most common type are the "almost believable but rather pitiful stories" like the one about the guy who tries to get drunk by drinking a bottle of Scope™ mouthwash, or the girl who gets caught shoplifting tampons AND condoms. Then there are the types that are so outlandish they MUST be true. Stories about illicit affairs between students and faculty, or secret rings of test stealing computer geeks. The thing about rumours and gossip is that they are often difficult to prove or disprove. For this reason, once a rumour is set loose, it almost always follows it's target in one way or another.
Rumours and gossip are often used as revenge or follow through on a threat. Threats of rumours are often used to get something out of a person, ie; "sleep with me or I'll tell everyone you did it with me AND my friends", or "let me cheat off of you on the big test or I'll tell everyone you are a total loser". But more often or not they are just conversation. Something for one person to say in order to make themselves look important or to get attention. So how do you handle it if you are targeted by a gossip hound? Here are some tips:
Remember that no matter what you say or do SOME people are going to believe the rumours. Your goal is to mitigate damages since it is next to impossible to make everyone believe your side of the story.
Don't confront the person who spread the gossip about you in a public place or with an angry tone in your voice. Causing a scene or going on the offensive will only make them feel they are justified in spreading venom. It is best to avoid this person all together and to say nothing to them. But if you do have to say something, wait until you are calm and the initial shock has passed.
Rather than freaking out and running around trying to set the record straight, play it cool! When it gets back to you laugh lightly and say something like, "Is THAT what's going around about me? I wonder why somebody would go to so much trouble to spread a lie?" This does two things; it shows others that you have nothing to hide because you are not acting defensively, and it puts the burden of reliability back on the gossip spreader by making others wonder if there is a hidden agenda.
Spread the gossip yourself, "Have you heard what so-and-so is saying about me? What a joke!" and do it with a smile. Always sound calm and confused, never bitter and resentful.
If anyone asks if the rumour is true say, "No of course not, but does it really matter what I say? I just wish I knew why so-and-so started this one in the first place." If it is true, omit the "No" and just say, "Does it really matter what I say? I just wish I knew why so-and-so spread this around in the first place!".
Calm is key! Always be calm, even baffled, when the rumour is mentioned. If you freak out in protest it looks like you have something to hide. Even if you do have something to hide, playing it cool is always best.
Don't retaliate with your own gossip. You are better than that!